Everyone seems to think they have the best dating advice. Your mom tells you to smile with your lips closed so he won't notice your crooked teeth. Your best pal suggests you try not to bite your nails and spit them back into the popcorn bag during the movie. And your sister thinks you should avoid telling him your diatribe about why tampons should be free to the public.

Of course, not all advice is going to help lost souls in the dating realm. Some of us need a lot more help than others. If you happen to be completely clueless when it comes to dating, don't worry. Just follow these handy suggestions for wooing the innocent bystander.

• Say you want to talk to a lad who catches your eye but you're at a loss for words. Feel free to tell him he has a nice smile and a great laugh. But avoid making any mention about his dandruff problem. That might make him a little self-conscious.

• Don't compliment his shirt or jacket as a way to touch his arm. Your comments should be sincere, not a way to cop a feel. And staying clear of half-compliments where you say things like "You'll be so cute once that acne clears up."

• If you finally make it to getting a date, you might want to pay attention to his body language. Look for signs of interest so you don't go on and on babbling about your fascination with squirrels. If your date is mimicking your movements, then he is truly in synch with what you are saying. Either that, or you've landed a mime.

• Don't make up a brand-new identity just to impress your date. In other words, refrain from speaking with a fake French accent all night. Pretending to know another language will also get you into embarrassing predicaments. He may be fluent in it and think you're a bit odd for saying you like to eat cat hair on your tacos.

• Copying characters in retro John Hughes movies like Breakfast Club doesn't make you irresistible. You are not, and never will be Molly Ringwald. That lipstick-in-the-bra trick might have been cool on the big screen, but in reality you might end up with a ruined shirt and red face.

• If he's looking at everything in the room but you, don't try to get his attention by raising your voice. He's bored, not deaf.

• Even though you want to prove you're datable, don't bring up stories of all your past boyfriends. Especially if one of them is incredibly jealous of new guys you try to befriend. This will only make him uncomfortably shift around in his seat.

• Trying to change him on the first date won't score any points for you. Be careful saying something like "Did you know you'd look just like Dawson if you parted your hair in the middle? I love that show!"

• Don't divulge too much information about him that you gained from stalking him days before the date. He might be creeped out to know that you're privy to his locker combination, underwear preference and secret Beanie Baby collection.

Following these idiot-proof tips may not get you an instant boyfriend, but at least you'll have the chance of second date. Advice is only helpful from what you make of it. So have fun, and try not to ask him for any loans during dessert.