Growing up in Kansas and Colorado, I find it funny that I've never dated a redneck. Both my father and brother are proud rednecks, but I never managed to snag a cowboy in the goth circles I ran around with. So these dating tips are not from experience. But I swear if the right redneck struck my fancy, I'd be sure to follow this sound advice. Hee-haw!

• Brush up on your hunting and fishing skills. Any woman who can clean a fish will capture a redneck's heart.

• You'll impress your redneck if you can cook anything in the Elvis cookbook. Ribs or anything that invloves barbeque sauce will also be a big hit.

• When he says "Let's go make out at the tractor pull," don't laugh. He's not joking.

• If he gives you a gunrack for Christmas, it means he really loves you.

• Don't mock Elvis. Ever.

• Always keep plenty of Pabst six-packs and beef jerky in your fridge.

• Be prepared to watch a lot of professional wrestling. He'll think it's sexy.

• Before you kiss him, make sure he takes that toothpick out of his mouth.

• Be open-minded about the definition of romance. To him, it might mean spray-painting your name on a water tower.

• Don't offer to make curtains for his monster truck. The other guys will just hassle him.

• Make friends with his hunting dogs. They will more than likely come before you in most cases.

• Let go of the idea of changing his wardrobe. He takes pride in all the free T-shirts he can get from smoking four packs of Marlbro a day.

• Get a good health insurance plan. His idea of fun might be to take you tornado chasing.

• If you are an animal-rights activist or a vegetarian, you might want to re-think your relationship. There's a good chance he's into taxidermy.

• Try not to make fun of the furniture in his living room. A cable spool makes a damn-cool end table.

• Don't expect diamond earrings on your birthday. He does most of his shopping in the same place he gets his motor oil.

• If he says you look like Daisy Duke, he's paying you an awfully high compliment.

• Lard is not a sex aid.

• When you ask to see his art, don't be surprised if the frame is a toilet seat, or if his masterpiece is painted on velvet.

• Being hog-tied is not the best form of foreplay. Watch out for rope burns.