Aug. 30, 2006

Just call me Niebur Boton

Apparently, I'm now a famous Zeltron Jedi Knight who was killed with my own lightsaber by none other than Darth Vader himself.
Ouch.

Does that officially make me Queen of the Geeks? Sweet!

More here on Wookiepedia.

Aug. 28, 2006

Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings

I used to sing this theme song over and over when I was a kid. Hence this started my complete fascination with all things British.

Luckily for all of us, there's a ton of episodes of this delightful cartoon on YouTube. As I watch these I can't help but wonder why Simon was so deadbent on torturing all the people of Chalkboard Land by drawing cars to run them down and dinosaurs to chase them.

Opening Song
The Pirates
Musical Elephant
Cars
Dinosaur
Sleeping Late
Lonely Sun

More about the show here.

Complete episode guide (with images!)

Aug. 10, 2006

Ladies of Laughter

If you get the Sept. 2006 issue of Premiere magazine (with Hugh Jackman on the cover) and turn to page 18, you can see my letter to the editor concerning their Masters of Comedy issue, and how it barely mentioned any funny ladies.

Here it is:

Funny Girls

Thanks for interviewing my two favorite iconic ladies of laughs Ð Lily Tomlin and Diane Keaton in the Comedy Issue (July/Aug. 2006). But what gives with only listing two women in The "Masters of Comedy" section? Where's the nod to the improv queens like Amy Sedaris ('Strangers with Candy") and Tracey Ullman? Why no love for the great ladies of SNL Ð Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph, Molly Shannon as well as the old school veterans Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin? Why include actress Cameron Diaz in the shortlist and but not Joan Cusack or Julia Louis-Dreyfus? And of course, standup greats (who have all acted in TV or films) like Margaret Cho, Janeane Garofalo, Kathy Griffin, and the queen bee herself Roseanne Barr deserved at least a courtesy paragraph!

Next time do us girls a favor -- instead of inserting a few remarks here and there from a few women, dedicate an ENTIRE issue to the ladies of comedy. They deserve more than a sidebar for all the side-aches of laughter they've given us over the years.

- Bonnie Burton
San Francisco

Aug. 6, 2006

Not All Girls Want to Go Wild

Los Angeles Times reporter Claire Hoffman recently wrote an amazing piece on the "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis. It's the type of article that reminds me why I'm glad some journalists are still doing their job. She went inside the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise and uncovered the truth about its founder and how he's literally exploiting not just drunk women, but wasted underage girls who probably have no idea what signing that little waiver means.

Here's a sample of the intro paragraphs:

Joe Francis, the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" empire, is humiliating me. He has my face pressed against the hood of a car, my arms twisted hard behind my back. He's pushing himself against me, shouting: "This is what they did to me in Panama City!"

It's after 3 a.m. and we're in a parking lot on the outskirts of Chicago. Electronic music is buzzing from the nightclub across the street, mixing easily with the laughter of the guys who are watching this, this me-pinned-and-helpless thing.

Francis isn't laughing.

He has turned on me, and I don't know why. He's going on and on about Panama City Beach, the spring break spot in northern Florida where Bay County sheriff's deputies arrested him three years ago on charges of racketeering, drug trafficking and promoting the sexual performance of a child. As he yells, I wonder if this is a flashback, or if he's punishing me for being the only blond in sight who's not wearing a thong. This much is certain: He's got at least 80 pounds on me and I'm thinking he's about to break my left arm. My eyes start to stream tears.

This is not what I anticipated when I signed up for a tour of Joe Francis' world. I've been with him nonstop since early afternoon, listening as he teases employees, flying on his private jet, eating fast food and watching young women hurl themselves against his 6-foot-2-inch frame, declaring, "We want to go wild!"

The reporter goes on to describe what really happens in those "Girls Gone Wild" tour busses parked conveniently outside clubs saturated with drunk barely-legal girls. She also gives a rather honest, and disgusting, portrayal of Francis.

Granted, as a journalist myself, I know that articles can be slanted, quotes misrepresented, and people misinterpreted, but in this case I feel like giving this reporter the benefit of the doubt. And I hope Hoffman realizes that her article might make a girl think twice before flashing a guy carrying a camcorder, or agreeing to take a trip in the "Girls Gone Wild" bus.

Do yourself a favor and read her article here: 'Baby, Give Me a Kiss'

Aug. 5, 2006

My Smartass Milk Review on Amazon.com

According to BoingBoing.net, "So far, 344 smart-ass reviewers from ytmnd.com have had fun writing about the 128-ounce jug of Tuscan Grade A Milk." And I just became one of them.

I'm always looking for new ways to get my writing jumpstarted in the mornings and this may be the trick. Reviewing common items like milk, bananas, grapes and such on Amazon helps get my creative juices flowing. And for any writer out there who need something more exciting than the usual writing exercises to wake up those synapses, this is a fun way to do it.

Instead of writing a basic review about bananas, why not give a complete diatribe about how cartoon monkeys never get the credit they deserve? Rather than reviewing grapes as juicy and plump, talk about how grapes will forever be warped for you ever since that grade school Halloween party game where you were blindfolded and asked to put your hand in a bowl of lukewarm water with floating eyeballs only to discover later that those were indeed just grapes -- grapes you can never eat again without thinking you're snacking on squishy, icky eyeballs.

You get the drift. Every morning, before starting on a writing assignment, or for something fun to do, go to Amazon.com's new grocery section and review your favorite produce. Write a haiku about tofu. Or a quip quick tale about the kind of apple mostly likely to end up in the wrong hands in any Disney villain. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination.

Here's my milk review:

Leaping buildings in a single moooooO!
I'm a big milk fan. Not to say I'm fat, but big as in avid. So when I realized I could buy endless gallons of milk on Amazon I was thrilled. Now when I buy my next installment of classic Sherlock Holmes mysteries, I can add on a gallon of milk. And when I need to buy the new Radiohead CD, I can wash it down with some milk. Yea for milk!

But one thing I'm curious, and somewhat concerned, about. The flying cow on the label. In all the years of drinking milk, I've had milk from organic cows, factory cows, sheep, goats, rice, and soy. But flying cows were never an option. My question to you is -- if I drink the flying cow milk will I have superpowers too? I mean, will I defy gravity? And if not that, then can I at least translate the endless mooing I hear from the cows in the barnyard? Will grass taste better to me? Will I be able to fight crime or do I need udders for that?

Please let me know ASAP. I already have my superhero cow outfit picked out!

Read even more milk reviews here on Amazon.com.